Post: 11 Ways To Ward Off Rioters From Your Church

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11 Ways To Ward Off Rioters From Your Church

By HatetheSwamp
January 21, 2026 6:00 am
Category: Religion
(0.0 from 0 votes)
Rules of the Post & Tips.

1. Require them to fill out New Visitor Connection cards: This method is proven to keep people away.

2. Post Ricki as the door greeter: Once they see the first protester get caught in a conversation with Ricki, the rest will scatter.

3. Play "Good, Good Father": The perfect deterrent. It's what it is. It's what it is, it's what it is, it's what it is.

4. Release the bees: Your church does have a hive of church bees for such a time as this, right?

5. Paint rainbow colors on the doorposts and lintels: The mob will see it and just pass over.

6. Thank them for volunteering to serve at Vacation Bible School this summer: They'll never even think about doing this again.

7. Hand out complimentary cups of church coffee: One small taste, and they'll be sprinting out of the building.

8. Appoint Kyle Rittenhouse as a new deacon: He'll also coincidentally be put in charge of the security ministry.

9. Call two she-bears from out of the wood to maul them: Just like the Bible says.

10. Hang a "Learing Center" sign outside the building: Nobody bothers to go to those places.

11. Start talking about Jesus!!!!! [Except po, who loves to expound on The Gospel According to po.]

The BEE is still FIRE.

Cited and related links:

babylonbee.com

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Comments on "11 Ways To Ward Off Rioters From Your Church":

by Indy! on January 21, 2026 11:03 am

Hard to believe even a dumbass like you thinks there's anything funny there. Then again, Gutfart is seen as a comic genius by the right and he can't even get a laugh out of his own audience.

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