THE HIGH SEAS — In a saddening, tragic turn of events, famed climate activist Greta Thunberg has been kidnapped by the Dread Pirate Roberts.
According to eyewitnesses, Thunberg and 11 companions had been sailing across the Atlantic ocean when their sloop was overtaken and boarded by a crew led by the Dread Pirate Roberts, who fiercely kidnapped Thunberg.
"The Dread Pirate Roberts leaves no survivors," said local farmboy Wesley, an expert on international piracy. "Unfortunately, Miss Thunberg has probably been brutally snatched away, and possibly dismembered or fed to Rodents of Unusual Size."
"The Dread Pirate Roberts isn't actually named Roberts," the message reads. "He's named Franklin, and he bought the ship from the original Dread Pirate Roberts. Every night, he tells me, 'Good night, Greta. Sleep well — I'll most likely kill you in the morning.' But I think he's actually training me up to be the next Dread Pirate Roberts myself. Maybe this will be even more profitable than being a child activist."
"Getting captured by her would be like going through the Straits of the Shrieking Eels," said one sailor. "Except the eels would be shrieking from listening to one of her lectures on climate change."
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