WASHINGTON, DC — As the date of next week's midterm elections approaches, President Joe Biden used his Wednesday night address to warn everyone that the results may not immediately be known because it may take several days for enough Democrat votes to be harvested and double-counted.
"Despite the fact that third-world countries around the globe are capable of tallying their votes on the same day as their elections, it's simply not realistic to expect that from the world's most technologically advanced nation," Biden shouted with an unnecessary amount of anger to the assembled crowd made up entirely of White House staffers and the media. "Folks, we've got to take our time, find out how far behind we are, and wait for the unmarked vans carrying bags full of ballots to arrive in the middle of the night. Then we gotta find out how many times we have to count each ballot. Tomato soup."
At publishing time, Democrat operatives across the country were continuing to stock up on snacks and making sure the voting machines at polling stations were successfully connected to the internet in preparation for next week's marathon vote-manufacturing sessions.