Labels: Good or Bad?

I have a concern. Since the majority of our community (the GLBT community)views labels as a negative thing how is a lesbian who is new to the community going to be able to identify her own sexuality? Are we suppose to just stumble around getting into relationships only to find out too late that this isn't exactly what we want?

I will use myself as an example, and you may ridicule me for it if you must, but I hope for more understanding than criticism.

I grew up always knowing I was attracted to women, yet I hid it. Although lesbian activity was around me, it wasn't admitted until much later. They weren't proud of themselves, instead they were ashamed and denied it. (I am not using names on purpose) In school it wasn't even cool to be white, let alone a lesbian white girl. I tried my best to fit in. Yet being attracted to women found it's way out a time or two; playing house when I was in the third grade with one of my best friends I'll just say things went a little too far and although we didn't talk about it because what nine year olds would, she asked me every morning before we went to school if I wanted to shower with her and I found myself unable to say no although I was usually already showered. I had other crushes as the years went on and middle school came around and then gym class. There were two girls who were best friends and they would change right across from my gym locker. One time I didn't catch myself and one of them found me staring (she was wearing a thong and a mirror was right behind her) and although she laughed it off I still felt it would be discussed between her and her friend later. Again I felt like something was wrong with me, yet I brushed it off as maybe every girl secretly likes other girls.

It was around this time that my neighbor became bi-sexual and although I was attracted to her I knew I wouldn't be able to have a low-profile affair with her because the whole neighborhood knew her intimate love-life business. She had a friend who was openly gay and by this time you are probably thinking yes she will come out now but I didn't. This girl was a butch, yet with hair, tomboy but never girly and rocked a pony tail or braids. I wasn't attracted to her though so it just didn't click. I couldn't even summon up the courage to ask her any questions because she was friends with the girl I had a crush on-but everyone knew her intimate business. I was so well hidden because I even had boyfriends that I made myself be interested in because I thought well that's what girls do. They secretly like girls yet are with guys even though there isn't anything really to like. (No offense guys I really do mean in an intimate way and I am speaking about an old theory of mine)

So on it went and it wasn't until I met a tomboy that had a very feminine body underneath her baggy jeans and t-shirts. She also had long nails, her own, which I've noticed is very rare in the lesbian community (for reasons I understand). This girl was in a relationship that was in my face and for the first time I was able to see out and proud lesbians. The bad news for me was it was a very complicated situation: I had a boyfriend, she had a girlfriend who was like a cousin to me and I found myself very confused. I didn't know if I liked her because she was gay and proud or if I liked her because she made it apparent that she liked me even though she was with my friend (who was like my cousin). So I came out and I told the guy I was with I think I like girls. Shock was the least of it, he was hurt and angry. I was too confused to worry about him though and I went back over to my friend-cousin's house and I told her that I liked her girl friend or at least I was attracted to something about her. My friend-cousin was very cool and understanding, she asked me what I was going to do about it. I told her I wanted to tell her girlfriend that I was attracted to her and see if talking to her might help me sort out my confusion. Very respectfully my friend-cousin said okay. Very mature for a sixteen year old to say to a fifteen year old.

So I went over to her girl's house and I asked her to come outside and I told her, "I think I'm attracted to you." She was like five years older than me. Her response was a mysterious smile. She said, "I'm with your cousin, but if I had met you first I would be with you." I laughed nervously and I said, "I don't think I want to be with you, I just know that I'm attracted to you, and I'm confused about it and I'm not asking for you to not be with my cousin." She had no idea how to take this. So I went back to my cousin's house after talking with her about it in circles for about an hour and a half.

The next day the girl I was attracted to came over to my cousins house to watch a movie with us. Me and my cousin were sitting on opposite ends of the couch and her girl sat directly in the middle. Talk about feeling awkward. Then her girlfriend leaned against me and put her head on my shoulder and her feet on top of my cousin. Now things were weird. I was looking at my cousin's shocked face mouthing 'get your girl.' My cousin freaked out on her girl, which I don't blame her for.

This lovely drama filled first time coming out experience locked me right back up in my little secret closet. I carried on with that same boyfriend who pretended like I never mentioned liking girls at all. Then I got pregnant, he got a new girl and then nine months later I ended up with a child and he had died (no people I didn't kill him, although I did consider it). He really did pass away.

A couple years passed before I realized I couldn't pretend to like guys, or their style of relationships, or play a role I didn't feel like I fit into anymore. I came out again to newer ex-boyfriend who was afraid of commitment and responsibility. He freaked out, and blamed himself somehow, which if there are any guys reading this that is stupid. Being attracted to women was something I was denying about myself for a long, long time. It really had nothing to do with him or his commitment issues. He did help motivate me to take that door off that closet and never put it back.

By this time I was so anxious to be my true self that I jumped into a relationship with the only lesbian I had any contact with. A tom-boy with hair with a self-destructive streak that was familiar, yet very different from my own. This and our mutual attraction to the female anatomy bonded us. Sick I know, but I didn't really have anything to go on except vibes, and she the only non-straight girl around me. It lasted a year and then I met someone else completely the opposite of this whinny self-destructive lesbian.

This new girl was smooth. I knew from the moment I laid eyes on her that I had to know her. A definite butch who wanted to be a man when I met her. Key words: know her. We talked. We were both in relationships that we felt were over and annoying. We quit our relationships and ended up getting together with her asking me, 'so are we together, or what?' Very romantic. From first kiss this relationship was a chemistry issue. A warning flashed in my mind and the words 'maybe we should just be friends.' But she was more self-confident than me, at least she had a lot more bravado than I did, and I felt like if I told her that, everything I'd understood about myself would be a lie again. This relationship lasted for year. During that year I had worked through my old hide-myself-issues, yet had developed a new kind of hiding. I tried to bend myself into the 'wife' that she wanted, yet the word wife had always rubbed me the wrong way. I was suppose to be submissive and she was suppose to be dominant. Finally the fighting and disrespect and being misunderstood broke me out of my shell. I didn't care what she wanted and I ignored her on most levels. She broke it off with me after finding someone new telling me, she knew we weren't meant to be together. Though she seemed really upset to be saying it; we both cried together.

She told me I put her in touch with her feminine side. I couldn't really decide if that was a compliment. I figure we both had similar energies and histories. We'd confused having things in common with compatibility. After this relationship ended, I began to explore what I've always tried to ignore.

I figured out girls that I was physically attracted to were self-confident and had a feminine streak, yet something was always unattractive about their personalities. They were too-loud, too-egotistical, or loved way too much drama for me. I have given into the girls/had relationships with girls that have been attracted to me which are mostly girls who's personalities are like a mans and yet I have discovered this is almost as disappointing as being with a man, yet in a way kinda even more so because it feels as though she wishes to be a he (usually a dominant he or one that wants to be taken care of). I have discovered I can't be submissive. Then I told my ex girl I think I like feminine women. Her reaction was, "so what are you a butch?"

I said no because to me a butch is a woman who acts like and wants to be 'a man'. Then I explained to her that I don't think I can be with a butch again because I don't want a woman that wants to be a man or wants to dominate me in any way. Her response was, "You're a Kiki." A lesbian who is neither dominantly masculine nor dominantly feminine. This spurred more questions about myself. Can Kiki mean a woman who is comfortable with her masculine side and yet is also called a mother and I'm comfortable with 'the feminine role' as well? Does Kiki mean more importantly doesn't like to dominate and doesn't like to be dominated? I feel as though this label empowers me, instead of demeans me, for one because I gave it to myself after looking up what my ex-girl meant. My concern is I'm trying to figure myself out in a community where labels appear to be taboo.

If I take from my experience, butch means likes to dominate. So femme would mean likes to be the 'wife' according to past definition of these terms? See what I'm saying, since there is such a controversy in our community about labels it feels impossible for me to determine what's going on with other people's energy, let alone my own related to theirs. It is confusing because I know not everyone fits into a box but I also need some kind of guidelines for my questions. I want to know do femme's want girls who want to be guys? If they do than how in the world am I going to know which woman doesn't want to be dominated, or wants to dominate anyone else or play any old fashioned role games like "studsband" and "wife". I am cool with lesbians wanting lesbian marriage to be legal. I agree with the commitment of union. Personally, I'm not down with the 'I'm the man and she's the woman' attitude in any of my relationships.

Here's a new label for lesbians whose values are traditional, traditional lesbians. Where I would fit in? Companionship lesbians. Companionship: a committed partner relationship where it is recognized that both women have both masculine and feminine natures and each is box free in the others mind to be themselves and there is not set roles of house duties to fulfill, except respecting each other and never demeaning each other. Is there other lesbians out there with such a view as mine? I have met one couple like this, but how small of a group are we, or are we much bigger than I have seen.

I am not saying it is impossible to blend labels. Of course it is, people are distinctly unique, but I do believe labels would help give those who are new to the community a kind of starting guideline to point them in the right direction. Labels that go beyond physical and into the values a woman holds true for her type of lifestyle. We could call them the lesbian lifestyle labels.

I believe there is power in a name and that power is only negative or positive if you believe it is. Of course people can try to turn any label into something demeaning just by the tone of their voice, but I define words for myself and in my life words help me define the meaning of things. If we don't give things names how will new lesbians or lesbians who are just coming out ever get through this long and dreary process of self-realization without hurting anyone. I think labels can help make this easier. Labels can also just be factual, the same as the word stapler.

Femme could also mean a woman who is comfortable only dressed in skirts and dresses, and all necessary accessories and although there's nothing wrong with that I can't say that I feel the same way. Butch could mean women who are only comfortable when their body is hidden beneath baggy clothes. This has made them accepted and sometimes confused as wanting to portray man, which may or may not be their intention. I can't say I feel the same way about my clothes. I can feel comfortable in baggy clothes and also in jeans and shirts that are feminine, but I do not feel especially comfortable in dresses, although I find I can wear heals that aren't stiletto. I also don't like make-up, but I wear lip gloss or chap-stick, and I do do my hair. In this way I am defined as neither femme nor butch, but a kiki and I'm cool with that.

Labels may be a way to understand what confuses us, or for others shun what confuses them. I believe that shunning people with labels says a lot more about the character of the person doing the shunning then about the person being shunned. Dealing with labels in a mature way that is educational for the GBLT community is what will help address my confusion and those of others who haven't completely realized themselves yet either. I have learned not to take to heart what others may misunderstand, but instead have the patience, if they are willing, to help them understand. And when they don't want to understand, I leave them alone with their uneducated perception. We are not here to change people's perceptions of us, we are here to be proud and have the courage to explore and understand ourselves.

Labels are informational. The way you use them is the question. I believe labels should be available to help the exploring better understand themselves and the community they are a part of. Let's not limit others as we have been limited in the past, and let's definitely not limit ourselves because others choose to stay uneducated about a people different from themselves.