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What did Jesus look like?

What did Jesus look like?
March 22, 2011 09:06AM
As you folks may or may not know I’ve been thinking of doing a Da Vinci code type novel. Whilst doing my research I’ve discovered not only was my premise for a story already been done (dagnamit!) but the market is obese with Da Vinci code type stories and the “Jesus fiction” genre. Even Anne Rice has done a trilogy on Jesus. (My favourite Jesus fiction novel is Lamb: The gospel according Biff Christ’s Childhood Pal by Christopher Moore, it’s hilarious and I highly recommend it.)

My premise if you remember goes something like this: archeologist finds clues to where Jesus remains are buried and religious extremists try to hunt him done and kill him before he finds the remains.

Well as I’ve mentioned it’s been done. It’s an atrociously written book called the Messiah Secret. by James Becker. The only positive aspect of the book is the authors note and his references in which he bases some of his ideas. For example he discusses the possibility of Jesus surviving the cruxification and moving to India. He notes that the a sage known as Yuz Asaf is entombed at Roza Bal in Srinagar, Kashmir, in Kashmiri Yuz Asaf means "Son of Joseph " also he refers to Tibetan story of Saint Issa, (Issa apparently is the Arabic name of Jesus,) which covers the life of jesus during the 17 years that are missing for the gospel stories.

There is also a burial place in Murree Pakistan that is claimed by the locals as the resting place of Jesus’ mother the name 'Murree' is derived from 'Marium' or Mary. Among locals it is known as "Mai Mari da Asthan" ("Resting Place of Mother Mary" ).

I’ve read about this stuff many year ago and it’s compelling but not very credible due to lack of evidence in the form of primary resources.

However what's quite interesting is his references for what Jesus may have look like.
In the apocryphal Acts of Peter, Peter quotes a prophet who described Jesus – “And we saw him and he had no beauty nor comeliness.”

In the apocryphal Acts of John, John writes: “And oft-times he [Jesus] would appear to me as a small man and uncomely”

The historian Tertullian writes “he would not have been spat upon by the Roman soldiers if his face had not been so ugly as to inspire spitting.”

The authors best reference is The Slavonic copy of Josephus’s Capture of Jerusalem, it give the description of a man wanted by Pontius Pilate for claiming that he was the King of the Jews:

“a man of simply appearance, mature age, dark skin, small stature, three cubits high, hunchbacked with a long face, long nose, and meeting eyebrows…with scanty hair with a parting in the middle of his head, after the manner of the Nazarites, and with an undeveloped beard…” (It sure doesn't sound like the decription of the image in the Shroud of Turin).

So it may be Jesus was ugly as sin. Maybe that’s why he never married. winking smiley
Re: What did Jesus look like?
March 22, 2011 05:09PM
Lamb is also my favorite Jesus story! I love Christopher Moore. All his stuff is hilarious. "Jesus was ugly as sin." is also hilarious!! Maybe Jesus was the first human/alien hybrid? Ancient alien theorists think so...Write THAT story!!
Re: What did Jesus look like?
March 24, 2011 04:56AM
Great idea sam but I have a feeling it's probably been done. I'll look into though.

I've been thinking of using similar theme as Pullman's Dark Material trilogy where god (Yahweh) is the bad guy and Jesus has to save to world from being destory by Yahweh. The movie Legion has a similar theme but it's the angel Gabriel that save humanity from God. Have you seen it?
I've been reading a lot about the Cathars. The Cathars was a religion sect that existed between 11th and 13th centuries that actually believed that the old testament god was really satan and Jesus was the good guy. They were a fascinating culture. They were antimaterialist and believed in reincarnation. Of course this didnt' go down too well with the Catholic Church and they wiped the Cathars out. It's considered the first genocide of European history, apart from homosapiens wiping out Neatherthals.

Another idea I have is an expansion on a South Park episode I watched a long time ago. It's the one where Jesus rescues Santa Claus from an Iraqi prison after Santa gets shot down when flying over Baghdad. Jesus turns out to be a killing machine. He slaughters dozens of Iraqi soldiers to save Santa. It's one of my favourite episodes.

So how about a story that has Jesus as the perfect but reluctant assassin?

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/24/2011 05:11AM by Fascinated_foreigner.
Re: What did Jesus look like?
March 24, 2011 05:05AM
Interesting, FF,seriously. I would be interested to read it. About all I know of His looks is there was nothing comely about Him. Or, why not a write a book about the glorified Jesus? What would he look like. My grandson can tell you that....perhaps. thumbs up
Re: What did Jesus look like?
March 24, 2011 05:15AM
Hold on there HTS, you're not suggesting that your the grandfather of Coulton Burpo are you?!
Re: What did Jesus look like?
March 24, 2011 05:16AM
Ff, You will LOVE Towing Jehovah and the rest of the Godhead Trilogy by James Morrow. So smart and hilarious...right up your alley. Please read it!
Re: What did Jesus look like?
March 24, 2011 05:19AM
Thank's Sam. I'll check it out.
Re: What did Jesus look like?
March 24, 2011 11:04PM
Now, FF, if you can tell us what Jesus' heavenly name is confused smiley we'll give you an eternity pass.
Re: What did Jesus look like?
March 30, 2011 07:40AM
Strange question HTB
It could be Eloheim. Could be Lamb. Could be Beloved. Could be Christ. Could be I AM.

Would Christ still have a hunchback and monobrow in heaven?
Re: What did Jesus look like?
March 30, 2011 08:22AM
FF, why strange? If you dion't know just say so.
Re: What did Jesus look like?
March 30, 2011 06:38PM
It's FSM...
Anonymous User
Re: What did Jesus look like?
March 30, 2011 07:24PM
Please see: []

God bless.

Believer with abroken heart
Re: What did Jesus look like?
April 01, 2011 12:26AM
Here is how top theologians believe Jesus must have looked, according to descriptions in the Holy Bible:

Re: What did Jesus look like?
April 01, 2011 12:59AM
Wtf?! Lol!
Re: What did Jesus look like?
April 01, 2011 05:28AM
Come on, anybody, what is Jesus' name in heaven? It ain't yeshua. confused smiley
Re: What did Jesus look like?
April 01, 2011 07:11AM
Hard to Starboard may be tuned into some weird little quasi-Christian cult that has a special name for Jesus and wants to play games with us. He is called Immanuel in one passage, Beloved in another, Annointed One or Christ in another, and in one particularly bizarre verse in Revelation, it first says he has a name known only to himself sewn into his crown, but then says the name embroidered on his thigh is "King of Kings." Rosicrucians call him Anung un Rama. Mormons think he was the archangel Michael.

I supposed God would just call him "me" for short. Which brings up an issue, if God and Jesus are the same guy, do they need separate names once they're up in heaven together? And don't they communicate by mental telepathy anyway, not having any ears or vocal cords and thus no use for names or language of any kind?

Of course, Hard to Starboard doesn't know enough about Christianity to know what I'm talking about.
Re: What did Jesus look like?
April 02, 2011 03:29AM
Lince, IT''S IN THE BIBLE.! Either you don't listen (read) or it's just over your head.
Re: What did Jesus look like?
April 02, 2011 06:48AM
There's a lot of crap in the Bible that makes fodder for guessing games. Ouija boards, Tarot cards and astrology are the same way.
Re: What did Jesus look like?
April 02, 2011 07:15AM
Re: What did Jesus look like?
April 02, 2011 10:16PM
Sam, I see where on the top of your posts it says you have been posting for three years. I thot it was longer? confused smiley
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